


sehnsucht

by daydoodles



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drug Abuse, Hospitalization, M/M, POV Alternating, Suicide, mentions of self harm, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 18:24:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6020347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydoodles/pseuds/daydoodles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(zeːnzʊxt) A German untranslatable noun, sehnsucht is defined as a deep emotional state of nostalgia and unfinished feelings. It is the inadequate longing of yearning for life’s unfulfilled wishes and a deep desire which seems impossible to obtain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sehnsucht

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Storyofanotakuslife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Storyofanotakuslife/gifts).



> Alaura asked for Ereri angst, and I aim to please.
> 
> Inspired by [this](http://promptsonpaper.tumblr.com/post/137307748057/your-bodys-blurry-from-all-the-pills-ive-taken) post on tumblr.

Eren isn't sure when the abstract thought first blossoms into an actual plan of action, but he supposes in the long run it doesn't matter anyway. He feels the same he's always felt, he realises, and nothing can change it at this point. He owes Levi this much, at least.

So he does what he has to. He doesn't tell Levi anything he's got planned, mostly because he knows his boyfriend will try to talk him out of it, and the last thing he needs now is to start second guessing himself. He's nothing if not determined, and possibly a bit stuck in his ways. That doesn't really matter anymore, either.

He contemplates the best way to go about it for weeks on end. Initially, he'd thought something quick and painless would be the smartest option, which is probably true, but then he started thinking about Levi. His precious Levi, who hated messes and was utterly germophobic and might have a mental breakdown if he were to walk in on something gruesome. Not that the method would affect the outcome, but Eren tells himself it's the thought that counts. He honestly can't be bothered to wonder if that's actually true.

It happens on a Saturday; Eren’s got the day off from classes, but Levi has to work so he won't be home till much later. It's now or never, really, because their schedules usually line up pretty well and Eren knows he won't get another chance like this for a long while. And the longer he waits, the harder it’ll get; not for himself, but for Levi. He's always been thinking of Levi.

He spends his last conscious moments thinking of Levi, too.

-

Levi is feeling drained from work as it is, and the long subway ride back to the flat he shares with Eren doesn't help the matter. He's always been wary of public transportation, that cesspool of human waste and communicable diseases, and his nervousness is heightened by a sense of impending trauma. He's always had a sort of sixth sense for the depressing, probably because he's been surrounded by it for most of his insignificant life.

Eren changed that, though. That's what ultimately made Levi fall for him; the way he felt everything so deeply, in ways Levi could never fathom. He tries to follow his boyfriend’s example, he truly does, but some things simply can't be altered. Like personality, for instance. Or the fact that the man sat next to him on the train has currently coughed on him an alarming three times and counting.

He manages to suffer through the ordeal till he reaches his stop, and heaves a sigh of relief as his Vans hit the concrete of the platform. He runs a hand through his hair, rubbing the lower half that's cropped short near the nape of his neck. It's a nervous habit, probably, but he can't shake the uneasiness in his gut.

He hears the distinct sound of ambulance sirens from a few streets away, but focuses on getting home instead. He does feel bad for the person who had to call for paramedics for god only knows what, but it's an afterthought at best.

-

Eren immediately knows he fucked up. He knows it, and he tries to make it right, but now that the deed is done it's out of his control. He does what he can, but the ceiling is swimming and he thinks he might be crying but damn he can't tell anymore. He wonders if he'll get to say goodbye.

-

Levi knows something is wrong as soon as he steps through the doorway; everything is too quiet, feels too empty. After slipping out of his shoes, he pads gently into the living room in case Eren fell asleep on the couch again. He had a bad habit of doing that, the idiot.

Finding the living room deserted, Levi decides Eren must be in bed. Neither one of them are particularly early to bed, but Eren has a weird fixation for listening to music on his headphones, and he's been known to do so in bed. He tells Levi it's just because the bed is more comfortable than the couch, which Levi can't rightfully argue with.

But Eren isn't there either, and Levi can feel his heart rate increasing steadily with each passing moment. He can't find any clues as to where Eren might be, but he spots a crumpled up paper thrown onto the mattress, so he guesses that's his best chance of finding out what the hell is going on. He goes over to the bed, gingerly picking the wad of paper off the sheets, bracing himself for whatever it says. He doesn't need to, as it turns out, because his phone starts to ring just as he opens up the sheet of paper.

-

Eren vaguely registers the screaming of sirens, the skidding of tires on asphalt, and something being shoved onto his face as a calming voice tells him to breathe deeply. He does as he's told, or at least he thinks he does, but shit he has no idea where he is or who these people are, or why they all look so concerned.

“Levi -?” he croaks out, and he's confused because his voice sounds strained; weak, like it's fading. Why?

The man next to him just shakes his head. “We’ve called him, he's going to meet us at the hospital. Just hang in there, Eren.”

Eren isn't sure what he's supposed to be hanging on to, because at the moment all he wants to do is sleep.

-

Levi bursts through the hospital doors, probably looks insane with worry, but then again he feels that way too. He practically shrieks at a receptionist that he's here for Eren Yaeger, and she just glances at a paper before directing him to the proper room. She can't possibly know how Levi’s world is shattering, crumbling into rubble at his feet even now as she goes back to filing her nails. He resents her for it.

He's running down long corridors now, clutching at the mangled note he's read over at least seven times between home and this sterile hospital hallway. He feels the tears falling down his cheeks, leaving a trail of saltwater in his wake as he sprints toward the love of his life, before it consciously registers he's crying.

He tells himself that this is a dream, or Eren can still be saved, or it's some terrible misunderstanding, but he's never been good at lying.

-

Eren knows he's in a bed, but it isn't the fluffy familiarity of the bedroom he shares with Levi, so he can't figure out whose bed it is, or how he ended up here. He might be seeing double, or there might be a fuckton of people in this room. He doesn't really know which one would be worse, or if it makes a difference either way. Probably not.

Then the door slams open, smacking against the wall with a skull-shattering bang, and Eren might be hallucinating, or Levi might be running up to hug him. Levi is saying something, he thinks, but it doesn't register. Eren can barely see Levi’s face, what with his blurred vision and half-conscious state, but he can think more clearly than ever before in this moment.

“I love you, Levi. So much, and I'm so sorry,” is all he can whisper before he finally gives in to sleep.

-

Levi hears the words, but he can't believe Eren is actually leaving him. He can't do this, not after all they've been through and all they have yet to do together. It's not fair, and how dare Eren make this decision on his own? If he'd tried talking to Levi, he could've gotten him help. Levi could've taken care of him.

But Eren didn't; he kept it all to himself and now all he's got to show for it is unending sleep and a heart monitor that suddenly runs flat.

Levi shakes Eren’s shoulders, though he can already feel the heat leaving his lover’s skin. “Come back! Eren, come back, god dammit! You can't leave me like this, you deserve so much more than this. I deserve more than this!” He clings to Eren’s shirt, cups his face in his hands, strokes his bangs back off his face.

But no amount of wailing or begging will fix this. Nothing will.

There’s a shuffling of papers to Levi’s right. “Time of death, 10:24pm.” Even the doctor has given up, but Levi can't let himself be so easily defeated.

He hugs Eren’s limp form to his chest, crushing him against his sternum with a force that would have hurt if Eren could still feel. “Eren, come back come back come back. I love you too, _please_ come back.”

-

_Levi,_

_First of all, I want you to know none of this is your fault. You were the only thing that kept me from doing this for so long, but you're only human. You couldn't fix me, but even still it's not your fault. It's mine. I'm the one who did this, the one who swallowed the bottle of sleeping pills. Not you. Don't blame yourself, love._

_Speaking of pills, I hope I didn't make too much of a mess. I went out and bought them just for this, because I didn't think you'd appreciate it if I slit my wrists and got blood all over the floor. I think you'd be forgiving, because you always are, but you have enough to forgive me for as it is. I’ll try to throw the pill bottle away, but sorry if I forget. I'm not sure how this is going to go, really._

_I hope it's fast, for your sake. I don't want you to see me suffer. That's why I never told you. I still don't want to tell you, because I don't want you to be sad. Just know that I'm leaving the future in your hands now. Live a good life for both of us, alright?_

_I love you. I'll always love you. Not even death can take that away from me. It's the one thing I'm sure of._

_I'm sorry._  
_Eren_


End file.
